I had my reservations when I first thought about posting this blog. Why? I was scared. I am still married to my abuser. Because of COVID our divorce has been postponed. I have been having to wait. I feel very vulnerable. Even though I am not living with my abuser, I still have the emotional scars that have not healed. He still tries to manipulate me by trying to talk me into getting back together. I feel scared that he will read this. I have all kinds of fears of the outcome of that situation. I know everyone's situation is different. Being a domestic violence victim is something that takes time to heal from and everyone has their own way of healing. I hope that someday I can look back and say that this has made me stronger and helped me to grow in so many ways.
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Sometimes you don't want to remember the pain. So you push it inside and keep it hidden from the world. You put on a smile and press forward hoping that the emotional turmoil will never resurface. You don't want to think about all of those times you felt trapped and completely alone because he isolated you from your family and friends. You were scared of what he was going to do next. You never felt safe in your own home. Coming out of that nightmare, I have found a new strength and realization of knowing that that situation is not somewhere that I ever want to be again.
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He started abusing me before our son was born. He never hit me. I don't know if emotional abuse is better but it sure hurt a lot. He would just say mean things like "you need to loose weight", "you are stupid", "your family is a bunch of rednecks", "you are fat", "you are and idiot", etc. Then he would make me feel stupid by stating that whatever I told him was not actually true and that I was uneducated. He would say that my student loan debt was for nothing. He would complain endlessly about my weight. He would always put me down. His narcissistic behavior kept constantly had me doubting myself. That is how narcissists work. They always think that they are right. They manipulate you so that you think you are never right or that you are somehow going crazy. They tell you you are not good enough. They have these anger explosions that can come at any moment and make you feel like you are "walking on eggshells"
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A lot of women are scared to tell their stories. I know I was. At least in the beginning. That is, until I "got away". But I still have not completely "got away". What I mean by that is, my abuser is my child's father. That means that I will always have to deal with him. That means I will always have to have some type of relationship with him. I will always have to manage his narcissistic and manipulating personality. He still wants us to get "back together". I have always told him that he needed to change before I ever thought of doing that. But he never does. Then a lot of us women always ask ourselves will he change? I know in my case I have come to the point where I can definitely answer "no", he will not. My story began in 2009. When we started dating, I thought I could "fix" him. I thought if I loved him enough I could help him through the struggles he was going through at the time. I have always had that type of